What It Really Means to Be Emotionally Safe (and Why You Might Not Know How That Feels)
If you’ve ever found yourself wondering why you feel anxious in calm moments, suspicious when someone is kind, or overwhelmed when you're asked to share your feelings, you’re not alone. For many women with childhood trauma, emotional safety is not a given; It’s unfamiliar, and unsettling.
As a trauma therapist with training in EMDR and Internal Family Systems (IFS), I often work with clients who say things like, “I don’t even know what emotional safety feels like,”, “I feel I can’t bring up hard conversations with my partner”, or even “I thought I was fine until I got close to someone.” These aren’t just patterns. They’re protective strategies developed early on when safety wasn’t given or consistent.
In this post, we’ll explore what emotional safety really means, how trauma affects your ability to feel safe, and how therapies like EMDR and IFS can help you build the foundation for genuine connection, inside and out.
What Is Emotional Safety?
Emotional safety is the experience of feeling accepted, respected, seen, and free to be yourself without fear of emotional harm. It means you can:
Speak your truth without crippling anxiety or fearing rejection
Show vulnerability without bracing for shame or worry about losing relationships
Set boundaries
Trust your own feelings and instincts, along with others intentions
When you're emotionally safe, your nervous system feels settled, grounded. You're not constantly scanning the environment or the other person for subtle signs of danger, judgment, or abandonment.
But if you grew up in a home where emotions were dismissed, invalidated, punished, unpredictable, or “bad” , your brain likely equated emotional closeness with risk. Safety wasn’t emotional—it was strategic: stay quiet, stay small, stay out of the way.
Why Emotional Safety Feels So Unfamiliar After Trauma
For survivors of childhood trauma, especially emotional abuse or neglect, emotional safety often doesn’t develop. Your body learned that vulnerability could lead to being ignored, mocked, or even punished.
Here are some subtle signs emotional safety might be unfamiliar:
You feel uneasy when things are calm—as if something bad is coming
You minimize your needs (or don’t know what your needs are) or apologize for taking up space
You overanalyze your tone, words, or texts
You feel exposed when someone expresses care or asks how you are
You stay in your head, disconnected from your body
You take care of everyone around you and put others first
You avoid conflict
These responses are intelligent adaptations. Your system learned to protect you from emotional pain by keeping you guarded. Over time, those same strategies make intimacy, rest, and self-trust incredibly difficult.
How EMDR Helps Rewire Safety in the Nervous System
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a trauma therapy designed to help the brain and body reprocess painful memories that are "stuck" in the nervous system.
When emotional safety was missing growing up, you might hold unprocessed memories that still shape your reactions. For example:
A parent yelled when you cried, so now vulnerability feels dangerous
You were ignored when you were scared, so now you downplay your feelings
You felt responsible for your caregiver’s moods, so now you read every room like a threat
In EMDR, we target the root memories that created these patterns. Through bilateral stimulation (like eye movements, sounds, or tapping), the brain gets the chance to reprocess them—reducing their emotional charge and creating space for new beliefs like:
“I’m allowed to feel.”
“I can handle closeness.”
“I deserve to feel safe.”
“I am worthy”
“I am important”
Over time, EMDR helps your body stop reacting as if it’s still in danger. That’s when emotional safety starts to become felt, not just understood.
How IFS Builds Inner Safety First
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a gentle, powerful model of therapy that helps you connect with the different "parts" of yourself—especially the ones carrying pain, fear, or protective roles.
Many trauma survivors have parts that keep them on high alert:
A hypervigilant part that watches for rejection or threat
A people-pleasing part that keeps everyone happy
A disconnected part that numbs emotions entirely
IFS helps you meet these parts with compassion, rather than trying to silence or fight them. You begin to build an inner relationship that is safe, curious, and accepting.
As this internal safety grows, your external relationships begin to shift too. You can:
Recognize when a reaction is coming from a wounded part
Soothe yourself in moments of emotional overwhelm
Stay present rather than dissociating or shutting down
It becomes easier to trust your feelings, show up authentically, and express vulnerability as you build this self understanding and trust.
What Healing Emotional Safety Actually Feels Like
Clients often describe it like this:
“I didn’t realize how much I was bracing all the time until I felt my body relax.”
“I used to think someone caring about me was a trap. Now I can take it in.”
“It’s not that I never get triggered, but I know how to come back to myself.”
Healing emotional safety doesn’t mean you never feel fear, sadness, or conflict. It means those experiences no longer hijack your entire system. You learn to stay rooted, even when life gets messy.
And perhaps most importantly, it means you begin to feel safe inside yourself—even if you never had that before.
Final Thoughts: Emotional Safety Is a Birthright, Not a Privilege
If emotional safety feels unfamiliar, that isn’t your fault. You learned to survive in the best way you could. Now, you get to choose something different.
Therapies like EMDR and IFS aren’t just about healing trauma. They’re about building new experiences of safety, connection, and trust—with others, and with yourself.
Whether you choose weekly therapy or an EMDR intensive, you deserve support that meets you with compassion and helps you rediscover what it feels like to be safe.
How Trauma Therapy with Brea Giancaterino in Denver, Colorado can Help
As a trauma therapist with years of experience supporting individuals impacted by childhood trauma and trauma, I understand the complexities of this journey.
At my private practice in Denver, I offer a safe, compassionate, nonjudgmental space where you can explore your past, reconnect with yourself, and create lasting change. I’m here to help you find clarity and peace. Together, we’ll work to unburden the weight of the past and move toward the life you deserve. I am dedicated to building a safe, trusting therapeutic relationship and going at the pace you need to process your trauma.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I’d love to hear from you. Schedule a free 15 minute consultation!
Learn more about EMDR therapy here.
Explore EMDR intensive therapy for accelerated healing, here.
