Why You Shut Down During Conflict (and What to Do About It): A Trauma Therapists Guide
Have you ever found yourself shutting down in the middle of a conversation—especially during conflict? Your mind goes blank, your body feels numb or frozen, and you can’t seem to say what you’re thinking. Words suddenly become impossible. Maybe your heart races, or maybe you go completely still. Maybe you walk away, unable to engage any further. Later, you replay the moment over and over, frustrated that you couldn’t respond the way you wanted to.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And more importantly—you’re not broken.
In this post, we’ll explore why you shut down during conflict, how this relates to trauma and the nervous system, and what you can do to gently reconnect with yourself in these moments. As a trauma therapist and EMDR practitioner, I work with many high-functioning adults who feel confused and ashamed about this reaction. Let’s walk through what’s really going on.
What It Means to “Shut Down” During Conflict
Shutting down—also known as freezing, dissociating, or entering a hypoarousal state—is one of the body’s natural trauma responses. It may feel like:
Numbness or detachment
Brain fog or feeling like you “can’t think”
Silence, withdrawal, or inability to speak up
Emotional flatness or loss of affect
A strong urge to escape, disappear, or “go away”
This isn’t a character flaw. It’s a protective response your nervous system developed to keep you safe.
The Science: How the Nervous System Responds to Threat
When we experience a real or perceived threat, our body activates one of four main trauma responses:
Fight – confront or defend
Flight – escape or flee
Freeze – become still, shut down
Fawn – people-please or appease to stay safe
The freeze response (which includes shutting down during conflict) is often misunderstood. It’s not a conscious decision—it’s a biological survival strategy.
For many trauma survivors, especially those with childhood trauma, emotional neglect, or relational wounds, the body learned that speaking up or showing emotion wasn’t safe. So it adapted by becoming quiet, still, invisible, or detached. Even if the current situation isn’t dangerous, your nervous system may still respond as if it is.
Why This Happens in Adult Relationships
You might notice that shutting down happens:
During arguments with your partner
When receiving feedback or criticism
In emotionally charged conversations
When you feel misunderstood, attacked, or overwhelmed
This can be especially confusing for high-functioning adults who feel confident in other areas of life. You might be successful at work, assertive with friends, and emotionally aware—but when it comes to conflict, your body goes offline. This isn’t inconsistency—it’s trauma imprinting.
Your nervous system isn’t assessing the logic of the situation—it’s scanning for emotional cues that feel familiar to past danger. Your brain takes awhile to logically process what is going on which means that your emotional center responds first.
Common Root Causes of Shutdown Responses
Here are a few trauma-related reasons people shut down in conflict:
You grew up in a home where emotions weren’t safe (e.g., anger led to punishment, vulnerability led to rejection)
You experienced emotional neglect or abandonment, which made silence feel safer than expressing needs
You were punished or shamed for speaking up, so your body now equates conflict with danger
You’ve internalized the belief that you are “too much” or “too sensitive,” leading to chronic self-silencing
You weren’t taught to tolerate difficult emotions and were always encouraged to “look on the bright side”
In all of these scenarios, shutting down was your nervous system’s best attempt to stay safe and connected.
How EMDR Can Help with Shutdown Responses
EMDR therapy (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a powerful, evidence-based approach that helps reprocess trauma memories so they no longer feel threatening in the present.
With EMDR, we can:
Identify the root memories and beliefs behind your shutdown response
Help the brain and body release stored distress from those early experiences
Install new, adaptive beliefs like “It’s safe to speak up” or “I can stay present in conflict”
Build resourcing and regulation skills to increase your ability to stay grounded
This process doesn’t happen overnight—but with the right pacing and support, many people begin to feel safer, more confident, and more connected in relational settings.
What You Can Do Now: Gentle Support When You Shut Down
Here are a few supportive steps you can begin taking on your own or in therapy:
1. Recognize What’s Happening
Instead of judging yourself, pause and notice: “I’m shutting down right now because my body doesn’t feel safe.” This creates space between the response and the shame.
2. Name Your State
Use language like: “I feel foggy” or “It’s hard to think right now.” Naming your experience, even if it’s just in your head, can reduce internal confusion and eventually, help loved ones understand.
3. Use a Grounding Practice
Try:
Noticing how your feet feel on the floor
Holding a cold object (ice cube, stone, etc.)
Noticing five things you see, four things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can tast
These tools can help bring you back into the present moment. If you’re looking for more trauma informed strategies that actually help with emotional regulation, check out my course, Safety Within.
4. Debrief Later When You Feel Safe
If you shut down during a conversation, it’s okay to return to it later. You might say: “I needed space earlier because I was overwhelmed, but I want to keep talking now.”
5. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist
You don’t have to navigate this alone. Therapy can help you build the capacity to stay present during conflict, process the past, and rewrite your story of safety.
Shutting down during conflict is not a flaw—it’s a response rooted in your body’s deep intelligence. You learned how to survive, and now you’re learning how to thrive.
Whether you're just beginning to explore this pattern or ready to dive deeper through trauma therapy or EMDR, know this: you’re not alone, and healing is absolutely possible.
EMDR and Trauma Therapy with Brea Giancaterino in Denver, CO
You don’t have to stay stuck in survival mode. EMDR is a powerful tool, and like any trauma work, it requires care, preparation, and trust. If you’re asking yourself whether you’re ready—you’re already doing the self-reflection that’s part of that readiness.
You don’t need to have it all figured out. You just need to be open, supported, and willing to begin.
Interested in exploring EMDR or want to know if you’re ready? Reach out for a free consultation.
I’d be honored to walk with you through this process—with care, clarity, and at your pace.
Learn more about the EMDR process here.
Learn more about EMDR intensives with Brea Giancaterino, here.
