When You're Too Hard on Yourself in Relationships: How EMDR Intensives Can Help
You don’t need anyone to tell you you’re “too hard on yourself.”
You already know.
Maybe it shows up as constant overthinking after a conversation with your partner.
Maybe you replay fights in your head, wondering if you were too much…or not enough.
Maybe you feel guilty for expressing your needs, or feel like you have to earn love by always being accommodating.
Maybe you silence your struggles because there isn’t an argument if you let it go.
If any of this sounds familiar, hi, you are in the right place.
You’re carrying protective patterns that likely began long before this relationship. And while those patterns may have helped you survive earlier chapters of your life, they might be keeping you stuck now.
As a trauma therapist who specializes in IFS informed EMDR therapy intensives, I’ve worked with many women who feel emotionally exhausted in their relationships—not because they don’t care, but because they care so much that they lose sight of themselves.
This blog is for you, the woman who’s done the reading, listened to the podcasts, maybe even gone to therapy… but still feels weighed down by self-criticism and shame in relationships. There is a deeper kind of healing available—and yes, you can absolutely be scared and still ready.
What It Looks Like to Be Hard on Yourself in Relationships
Let’s get specific. These patterns don't always seem obvious. Sometimes it looks like:
Silently criticizing yourself after any disagreement
Feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions or needs
Avoiding conflict because you're terrified of being rejected or abandoned
Downplaying your own needs to keep the peace
Believing that if something goes wrong, it must be your fault
Trying to “fix” things quickly to avoid being seen as difficult
These behaviors, thoughts, and emotions are protective strategies. Often, they come from early attachment wounds—times when your emotional needs weren’t met, or when love felt conditional. Over time, you may have internalized the belief that you were the problem. You may have even been told this.
Healing doesn’t come from simply telling yourself that you’re enough (I really wish it did!). It comes from getting to the root of the pattern—where it started, what it’s protecting, and how to shift it from the inside out.
Why EMDR Intensives Work for Relationship Healing
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a trauma therapy designed to help you reprocess painful memories so they no longer feel stuck in your body and nervous system. When combined with Internal Family Systems (IFS), it becomes even more powerful—because you’re not just targeting and processing specific memories/experiences, you’re working with the parts of you that still carry fear, shame, or responsibility.
In traditional therapy, it can take a long time to get deep enough into the work to access these core wounds. 50-minute sessions often get eaten up by catching up, dealing with immediate stressors, or simply not having enough time to stay in the process long enough for meaningful shifts to happen.
That’s where intensives come in.
What Is an EMDR Intensive?
An intensive gives you several hours of uninterrupted time, often across multiple days, to go deeper than traditional sessions allow. Instead of being rushed or fragmented, the work is paced and intentional. We spend time building safety in your system before ever beginning to process trauma.
In an IFS-informed EMDR intensive, we don’t jump straight into your hardest memories. We start by getting to know the protective parts of you—like the one that keeps replaying fights, or the one that panics when your partner doesn’t text back. These parts aren’t trying to sabotage you; they’re trying to keep you safe.
Once those parts feel seen and supported, they often allow us to access the deeper wounds underneath; the ones holding the original pain that taught you to question your worth in the first place.
What Healing Might Look Like for You
No two intensives look the same. But here’s what I often see shift for women who come in carrying the weight of self-blame in their relationships:
They begin to recognize that their triggers aren’t failures—they’re invitations to understand their inner world
They stop spiraling after conflict because they trust themselves to navigate it
They start expressing their needs without apology
They feel more grounded, even when their partner is upset or distant
They create space for connection without losing themselves
This isn’t about becoming “perfect” in relationships. It’s about releasing the unrealistic pressure to get it all right, and instead learning how to be in relationship from a place of inner safety and self-trust.
Signs You Might Be Ready for an EMDR Intensive
You don’t have to be 100% confident or regulated to begin this work. But here are some signs that your system might be ready for deeper healing:
You’re aware of your patterns and feel frustrated by them
You’ve done some therapy before, but still feel stuck in certain areas
You’re open to slowing down and exploring your inner world
You have at least one supportive anchor—whether that’s a therapist, partner, friend, or grounding practice/helpful coping skills
You’re craving something deeper than just insight—you want to feel and move differently in your relationships
You’re Not the Problem—The Pattern Is
One of the most powerful outcomes of this work is that you begin to separate your self from your coping. You begin to see that the voice of harsh self-criticism isn’t the truth—it’s a part of you that learned to stay safe by being vigilant, quiet, accommodating.
And once you can meet that part with compassion, it can begin to soften. You don’t have to keep carrying the burden of proving your worth in every interaction.
You are allowed to be loved as you are. You are allowed to take up space in your relationship. You are allowed to speak your needs without fear.
Ready to Explore an EMDR Therapy Intensive in Denver, CO?
IFS-informed EMDR intensives are designed to help you reconnect with the parts of you that long for safety, love, and connection. We will work together to develop self trust and a positive sense of self so that you don’t have to earn those things through self-sacrifice in relationship.
You can have relationships that feel nourishing.
You can feel more secure in yourself, not just in how others respond to you.
You can stop being so hard on yourself, and start being with yourself instead.
If you're curious about whether an EMDR intensive is right for you, I’d be honored to talk with you. Schedule a free consultation, here.
Want to know more about EMDR therapy as a modality? Click here.
