Why Am I So Good at Pretending I’m Fine?
And What It’s Costing You (Plus How IFS-Informed EMDR Can Help)
You smile when you’re supposed to. You handle the crisis. You’re the dependable one, the helper, the one who “has it all together.” Maybe people even praise you for how calm or competent you seem. But inside? You’re exhausted. Disconnected. Bracing yourself for the next emotional hit.
If you’ve ever wondered, “Why am I so good at pretending I’m fine?” — this blog is for you.
As a trauma therapist who offers IFS-informed EMDR intensives, I hear this all the time. Many of my clients are women who function so well on the outside that most people have no idea how much pain they’re holding inside.
Let’s take a deeper look at why this “I’m fine” mask shows up and how intensive trauma work can help you finally put it down.
The Origins of Overfunctioning
For many trauma survivors, being “fine” wasn’t just a social norm, it was a survival strategy. Unconsciously you might think:
“If I fell apart, no one would catch me.”
“I didn’t have any other options”
“Being strong was the only option.”
If you grew up in an environment where your emotions were dismissed, minimized, or punished, you likely learned early that being vulnerable wasn’t safe. You may have internalized beliefs like:
I can’t have needs.
If I show weakness, I’ll be a burden.
It’s my job to keep the peace.
So instead, you became the caretaker. The achiever. The emotionally self-contained one. And while those parts of you helped you survive, and may have even brought success, they can start to feel like a trap in adulthood.
The Hidden Cost of Pretending
Living in “I’m fine” mode takes energy. It disconnects you from your own internal experience. And over time, it can leave you feeling:
Chronically anxious or numb
Isolated, even in close relationships
Unsure of what you actually feel or want
Like you’re always this close to breaking down
You may wonder if anyone actually knows you or if they only know the version of you that masks or performs.
When you've spent years tending to everyone else’s needs, it can feel foreign, anxiety producing, or even dangerous to turn inward.
Why Insight Isn’t Enough
You might already understand where this comes from. You may have read the books, listened to the podcasts, even been in therapy before. You know your childhood was chaotic. You know why you became the responsible one.
But understanding why doesn’t always change how you feel.
“I know my parents did the best they could… so why do I still feel like I’m never enough?”
“I know I felt so responsible to take care of everyone in childhood, but why can’t I let people in now?”
That’s where traditional talk therapy can hit a wall. It helps you make sense of the story, but not always heal and release the wound underneath.
How IFS-Informed EMDR Can Help You Heal
IFS-informed EMDR intensives are designed to go deeper…beyond cognitive understanding and into the emotional and somatic imprints of your experiences.
Here’s how this approach helps you move from pretending to presence and authenticity:
1. Internal Family Systems (IFS): Meeting the Parts That Keep You “Fine”
IFS helps you identify and build relationships with your protective and vulnerable parts - the ones that push you to perform, please, or perfect. In this work, we don’t try to get rid of those parts. We listen to them. We understand what they’re afraid would happen if they let go.
Often, these parts carry wounds from long ago: fear of being abandoned, shame about being “too much,” or grief that was never held. IFS makes space for those parts to be seen and gently supported.
2. EMDR: Healing the Experiences That Shaped You
Once we’ve built enough safety and trust with your inner system, EMDR helps you process the memories that originally created these patterns.
This isn’t about reliving trauma. It’s about helping your nervous system unhook from the past so it can finally update.
“I didn’t realize how much my body still felt like I was in that house. EMDR helped me feel like I’m actually safe now.”
In an intensive format, you have time and space to stay in this work—without being interrupted every 50 minutes. That uninterrupted presence allows for deeper shifts.
What Happens in an Intensive?
My IFS-informed EMDR intensives are a 3 day therapeutic experience and are customized to your specific needs and pace. A 3-day intensive might look like:
Day 1: Building safety, mapping your inner system, and connecting with your protective parts
Day 2: Trauma processing through EMDR at your own pace, with check-ins and regulation throughout
Day 3: Integration, resourcing, and exploring how to support the changes in your daily life
Throughout, we move slowly, gently, and with deep respect for your system. Nothing is forced. Everything is collaborative. Your safety is always my top priority.
You Don’t Have to Pretend Anymore
If you’ve gotten really good at pretending you’re fine, I get it. This is what you know. This is how you have developed safety in past relationships. I also understand that you are tired.
It’s exhausting to constantly “be on”.
You deserve relationships where you can be real. A life where you don’t have to brace, perform, or mask. A sense of self that feels steady even when things get hard.
Healing is possible. And I would love the chance to support you.
If you’re ready to stop overfunctioning, to stop holding it all together, to stop feeling like your worth depends on your performance, it might be time to explore intensive work.
IFS-informed EMDR intensives offer a powerful, supportive way to reconnect with yourself, heal old wounds, and come home to a version of you that doesn’t have to pretend anymore.
Interested in learning more about EMDR intensives in Colorado or Florida? Reach out to schedule a free consultation.
Curious about how EMDR works? Click here
Coming Soon: Content Within — a small group coaching experience for those ready to explore their inner world, build emotional capacity, and find relief through connection. Reach out to get more information, here.
