Why Do I Keep Second Guessing My Relationship?
How IFS-Informed EMDR Intensives Can Help You Find Clarity
“I can’t stop worrying that I’m settling.”
“Everything should be fine… so why do I still feel uneasy?”
“I keep overanalyzing every little thing…does that mean this relationship isn’t right for me?”
If you’ve ever found yourself spiraling through these thoughts on repeat, you’re not alone. Relationship anxiety can be one of the most confusing and isolating experiences, especially when there’s no clear “problem” in the relationship. Maybe your partner is kind, supportive, and stable. Maybe everything looks good on paper. And yet… something still doesn’t feel right.
This kind of inner conflict can be exhausting, especially when you don’t understand where it’s coming from or why it won’t go away. You might start wondering if you're just self-sabotaging. Or maybe you begin questioning whether there’s something wrong with you for not feeling more sure.
But here’s the thing: second-guessing your relationship isn’t always about the relationship itself. Sometimes, it’s your nervous system and protective parts trying to keep you safe in the only ways they’ve ever known. And that’s where IFS-informed EMDR intensives come in :)
Second-Guessing as a Symptom of Deeper Wounding
When you've experienced relational trauma, especially in childhood, your nervous system may not have learned how to feel safe in closeness. Even if your current relationship is healthy, your body might still respond to intimacy with fear, shutdown, avoidance, or overthinking.
In Internal Family Systems (IFS), we understand this through the lens of parts. You may have protective parts that say things like:
“You can’t trust anyone. Don’t get too comfortable.”
“You need to get out before they hurt you.”
“If you stay, you’re giving up your freedom. You’ll lose yourself.”
“What if they don’t really love me and will just leave?”
These parts are working really hard to protect you, often based on old experiences that haven’t been fully processed. Sometimes this protection feels like self-sabotage, which is really confusing. And while they may cause a lot of confusion, there is a way to work with them. They’re protecting other parts that are carrying unprocessed pain that deserves attention.
What Relationship Anxiety Can Look Like
If you’re wondering whether your doubts are trauma-related, here are a few signs that might sound familiar:
You constantly question whether you’re with the “right” person—even if nothing is objectively wrong
You feel trapped or panicky when things start to get serious
You overanalyze moments, big or small, or interpret neutral behavior as red flags
You worry that if you commit, you’ll miss out on something better
You fear being dependent, controlled, or emotionally vulnerable
You swing between craving closeness and needing distance
“I know my partner loves me, but sometimes I feel this overwhelming urge to run—and I don’t even know why.”
These patterns aren’t random. They often come from early attachment wounds that haven’t had a chance to heal.
How IFS-Informed EMDR Intensives Help
Both EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and IFS are evidence-based approaches that are particularly effective for addressing trauma—and they can be even more powerful when combined in a focused, intensive format.
In an IFS-informed EMDR intensive, we don’t just focus on the story. We focus on the parts of you that hold fear, doubt, and pain—and the experiences that shaped those parts.
Here’s how the process works:
1. We Build Safety First
Before diving into any trauma work, we spend time getting to know your inner system. That might look like identifying the part of you that panics at the idea of commitment… and the part that deeply craves emotional safety. We help those parts feel heard and understood, not overridden or pushed away.
2. We Target the Root Memories
Once your system feels stable and resourced, we use EMDR to identify and process the earlier experiences that created your current relationship dynamics. That might be witnessing unhealthy relationships growing up, feeling emotionally neglected, or being betrayed by someone you trusted.
3. We Rewire the Nervous System
EMDR helps your brain and body process those experiences in a way that removes the emotional charge. It’s not about forgetting the past—it’s about freeing yourself from being stuck in it. This rewiring allows you to respond to your current relationship from a place of groundedness, rather than fear or reactivity.
4. We Integrate the Healing
Because an intensive gives us hours (rather than minutes) to work together, we can move through preparation, processing, and integration in a deeply connected way. You walk away not just with insight, but with shifts that ripple through your entire internal system—and your relationship.
This S*** Is HARD
So many women carry shame for how they show up in relationships.
“I should be grateful.”
“Why can’t I just feel happy?”
“Maybe I’m just too damaged to love someone fully.”
This internal narrative can be just as painful as the anxiety itself. And the looping it can create is so draining. You deserve to have a space to process why you feel so unsure—and what those parts of you need in order to soften.
IFS-informed EMDR doesn’t promise to make your relationship “perfect” or to tell you whether to stay or leave. What it does offer is a powerful opportunity to connect with yourself more clearly, release old wounds, and experience more peace and trust in your own inner knowing.
When Clarity Comes From Within
If you’re stuck in the loop of questioning your relationship, it can feel like there’s no way out. But there is a path forward—and it doesn’t require you to logic your way through every emotion or find the “perfect” answer.
Clarity comes from inner safety.
From parts of you feeling seen instead of silenced.
From being able to notice fear and not let it run the show.
From being able to acknowledge your inner experience and get your needs met.
That’s the work we do in IFS-informed EMDR intensives. And it’s possible for you, even if you’ve been stuck for years.
Ready to Explore This Work?
If this blog resonates with you, I’d love to invite you to consider whether an intensive might support your next chapter. Together, we’ll look at where you’re feeling stuck, which parts of you are carrying pain, and what healing could look like if you had the time and space to truly go deep.
Interested in an IFS-informed EMDR intensive in Colorado? Reach out here to schedule a free consultation.
